I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
Randomize
