I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
