Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose
962=my?
Yeah.i
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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