On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
