This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
