3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize