A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize