Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
