I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
