U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
