I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Randomize
