I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
