Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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