I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
True college students do jello shots in the library
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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