Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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