I CAN MOONWALK!
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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