Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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