and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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