weddingsv make me drug and hornr
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
