she woke up with a sticky ear
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
