You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
