I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
