yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize