Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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