When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
