plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
