I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
My ass is underappreciated
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
