Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
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