hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
