remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
