He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize