i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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