my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Randomize
