i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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