these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I deserve this hangover.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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