I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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