I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I need a burrito and a hug.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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