Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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