Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
