I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
