Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
