I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
