I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize