my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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