Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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