So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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