I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
