also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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