i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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