Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Randomize
