So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
