Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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