new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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