come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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