Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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