i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
