I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
