im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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