Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
