omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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