there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
