I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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