You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
