My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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